DRINK LIKE A MAN, OR CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF
A HELPFUL GUIDE TO KEEPING ALL THE WINE INSIDE YOUR STOMACH THIS PURIM
By: Danielle Renov
originally posted by kosher.com
Before you have children people will tell you that dealing with the not- pretty, little- spoken about parts of parenting, like changing diapers and cleaning up after a child with a stomach virus, are “really not so bad”. “It’s much easier when it’s your own child” they tell you. “Don’t worry, you won’t get grossed out, I promise, you get used to it.”
Then, you have children and you very quickly learn that everyone you have ever spoken to on this topic is a complete liar! Because, yes, changing diapers really isn’t that bad, but there’s so much more to it than that.
What they don’t tell you, is that if you have boys, the boys will specifically wait until their diaper is off so that they can give you a free urine shower. Or, they will leave out how terribly unpleasant it is to change a baby whose dirty diaper leaked through multiple layers of clothes and onto you. But really, all that pales in comparison to a child who threw up. If you can manage not to vomit yourself while cleaning up regurgitated chunks of food from the floor, your lap, the child’s clothing and hair, then that’s a win. A huge win. Because, throw-up is NEVER not disgusting. And the only thing worse than cleaning up your child’s vomit, is cleaning up your husbands.
So, now that we’ve established how utterly shnasty it is to deal with a too-drunk, vomiting husband, let’s talk about what we can do to prevent that from happening.
The best way to go about this is to first recognize that Purim is a full- day event. Starting in the morning, with megilla reading and for some a morning seudah and ending with a lavish, food- laden, wine- drenched meal, sprinkled with yummy visits to and from family. Which means, it is very, very hard to keep track of how much alcohol has actually been consumed and how our bodies are reacting to it.
Since throw up is a curse onto mothers, I think it is only fair that if a grown man drinks too much to the point where he is vomiting all over the place, it is his own responsibility to clean it up.
If I did not give birth to you, I do not have to clean your puke.
However, because men are well, men, I feel it is only fair to warn them of this protocol before the holiday begins. So, ladies, give your better halves (hahahaha, just kidding) fair warning, then print out this article for your husbands to read and have a much more enjoyable holiday without the impending dread of cleaning up your husbands vomit looming above you!
I’ve created a list of 10, mostly chronological, important tips to carry with you throughout the day so that you can drink at each milestone, maintaining a nice Purim buzz, but never getting too drunk that you throw up all over your car, couch or spouse.
1. ADVIL and WATER
Alcohol causes dehydration. So, start your day off by properly hydrating your body so that you can be ahead of any water depletion the alcohol causes in your body. Maintaining a good water- to- alcohol ratio is key to keeping the alcohol in your stomach.
Advil. Just to be safe.
It is a common myth that eating after you drink can help sober-ize a person. Really though, eating before you drink is the most helpful. Although food will not help with reducing drunkenness, it will slow down the speed at which the alcohol gets absorbed into the bloodstream as it’s also busy absorbing the food.
3. THE RIGHT FOOD
We’ve all heard about people who say they have weak stomachs. Well it’s true. Some of us are stronger than others. Eating dairy foods early in the day, or drinking a glass of milk will help neutralize the stomach acids that we want to keep inside the body later that day!
4. DRINK ON THE HOUR
It takes our livers around 1 hour to actually process any alcohol we put into our bodies. So, instead of gulping down your whole days worth of wine within one hour and feeling ill the rest of the day, try drinking one glass at a time, every hour, on the hour! This will seriously help you to understand where your body is at, drinking- wise, and will prevent you from drinking too much before you even know what’s hit you!
5. MORE WATER
Again, alcohol = dehydration. For every cup of wine you pour yourself, drink at least one glass of water to maintain proper hydration.
6. NO MIXING ALCOHOL WITH ENERGY DRINKS
I know, it sounds like that would be a really good idea. But its not. Alcohol is a depressant and energy drinks are stimulants. When you mix the two, it masks the properties of each and you are left unaware of how you are actually feeling. So, you drink more, because you feel fine and then BOOM. Barf everywhere.
7. USE YOUR BRAIN
Yes, this is a hard one for some people. And by people I mean boys. The big ones, who live in our homes and need constant reminders to take out the full garbage bag that has been sitting by the front door for 2 days. It seems crazy but it’s true. Alcohol does not erase your brain from your head. It may be fogged over by a cloud of inebriation, but if you dig deep enough, you will find it. And this, oh- so- powerful piece of machinery, if used right, can tell you when to STOP DRINKING.
8. DO NOT BINGE EAT
Alcohol lowers our inhibitions. All of them. Including eating. Therefore, pizza. Or chicken wings. Or pizza then wings.
This, however is a bad idea. At the time, it feels brilliant. You’re drunk, hungry and need something salty. But, it is exactly at this point in time that our bodies need a break. Try some plain crusty bread instead.
9. ADVIL. AGAIN.
Because, tomorrow will come. With it, work, kids, life and a massive headache. Take two Advil before you go to sleep and then wake up in the morning and drink the strongest cup of coffee you can find!
10. BE A MAN
If all else fails, and the entire contents of your Purim festivities spills out onto the floor, car, walls or heaven forbid, your spouse, well then, you know what to do. CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF!
These steps are not fool proof. Meaning any fool can mess these up. However, we (read: women) are no fools. So, help your husbands, and ourselves, out this Purim to keep as much of this holiday inside our stomachs instead of on the floor.