DRINK LIKE A MAN OR CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF -the unedited version

DRINK LIKE A MAN, OR CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF

A HELPFUL GUIDE TO KEEPING ALL THE WINE INSIDE YOUR STOMACH THIS PURIM

 

By: Danielle Renov

@peaslovencarrots

originally posted by kosher.com

Before you have children people will tell you that dealing with the not- pretty, little- spoken about parts of parenting, like changing diapers and cleaning up after a child with a stomach virus, are “really not so bad”. “It’s much easier when it’s your own child” they tell you. “Don’t worry, you won’t get grossed out, I promise, you get used to it.” 

Then, you have children and you very quickly learn that everyone you have ever spoken to on this topic is a complete liar! Because, yes, changing diapers really isn’t that bad, but there’s so much more to it than that.

What they don’t tell you, is that if you have boys, the boys will specifically wait until their diaper is off so that they can give you a free urine shower. Or, they will leave out how terribly unpleasant it is to change a baby whose dirty diaper leaked through multiple layers of clothes and onto you. But really, all that pales in comparison to a child who threw up. If you can manage not to vomit yourself while cleaning up regurgitated chunks of food from the floor, your lap, the child’s clothing and hair, then that’s a win. A huge win. Because, throw-up is NEVER not disgusting. And the only thing worse than cleaning up your child’s vomit, is cleaning up your husbands. 

So, now that we’ve established how utterly shnasty it is to deal with a too-drunk, vomiting husband, let’s talk about what we can do to prevent that from happening.

The best way to go about this is to first recognize that Purim is a full- day event. Starting in the morning, with megilla reading and for some a morning seudah and ending with a lavish, food- laden, wine- drenched meal, sprinkled with yummy visits to and from family. Which means, it is very, very hard to keep track of how much alcohol has actually been consumed and how our bodies are reacting to it. 

Since throw up is a curse onto mothers, I think it is only fair that if a grown man drinks too much to the point where he is vomiting all over the place, it is his own responsibility to clean it up.

 If I did not give birth to you, I do not have to clean your puke. 

However, because men are well, men, I feel it is only fair to warn them of this protocol before the holiday begins. So, ladies, give your better halves (hahahaha, just kidding) fair warning, then print out this article for your husbands to read and have a much more enjoyable holiday without the impending dread of cleaning up your husbands vomit looming above you!

I’ve created a list of 10, mostly chronological, important tips to carry with you throughout the day so that you can drink at each milestone, maintaining a nice Purim buzz, but never getting too drunk that you throw up all over your car, couch or spouse.

1. ADVIL and WATER 

Alcohol causes dehydration. So, start your day off by properly hydrating your body so that you can be ahead of any water depletion the alcohol causes in your body. Maintaining a good water- to- alcohol ratio is key to keeping the alcohol in your stomach. 

Advil. Just to be safe.

2. FOOD

It is a common myth that eating after you drink can help sober-ize a person. Really though, eating before you drink is the most helpful. Although food will not help with reducing drunkenness, it will slow down the speed at which the alcohol gets absorbed into the bloodstream as it’s also busy absorbing the food. 

3. THE RIGHT FOOD

We’ve all heard about people who say they have weak stomachs. Well it’s true. Some of us are stronger than others. Eating dairy foods early in the day, or drinking a glass of milk will help neutralize the stomach acids that we want to keep inside the body later that day!

4. DRINK ON THE HOUR

It takes our livers around 1 hour to actually process any alcohol we put into our bodies. So, instead of gulping down your whole days worth of wine within one hour and feeling ill the rest of the day, try drinking one glass at a time, every hour, on the hour! This will seriously help you to understand where your body is at, drinking- wise, and will prevent you from drinking too much before you even know what’s hit you!

5. MORE WATER

Again, alcohol = dehydration. For every cup of wine you pour yourself, drink at least one glass of water to maintain proper hydration.

6. NO MIXING ALCOHOL WITH ENERGY DRINKS

I know, it sounds like that would be a really good idea. But its not. Alcohol is a depressant and energy drinks are stimulants. When you mix the two, it masks the properties of each and you are left unaware of how you are actually feeling. So, you drink more, because you feel fine and then BOOM. Barf everywhere. 

7. USE YOUR BRAIN

Yes, this is a hard one for some people. And by people I mean boys. The big ones, who live in our homes and need constant reminders to take out the full garbage bag that has been sitting by the front door for 2 days. It seems crazy but it’s true. Alcohol does not erase your brain from your head. It may be fogged over by a cloud of inebriation, but if you dig deep enough, you will find it. And this, oh- so- powerful piece of machinery, if used right, can tell you when to STOP DRINKING. 

8. DO NOT BINGE EAT 

Alcohol lowers our inhibitions. All of them. Including eating. Therefore, pizza. Or chicken wings. Or pizza then wings. 

This, however is a bad idea. At the time, it feels brilliant. You’re drunk, hungry and need something salty. But, it is exactly at this point in time that our bodies need a break. Try some plain crusty bread instead.

9. ADVIL. AGAIN. 

Because, tomorrow will come. With it, work, kids, life and a massive headache. Take two Advil before you go to sleep and then wake up in the morning and drink the strongest cup of coffee you can find!

10. BE A MAN

If all else fails, and the entire contents of your Purim festivities spills out onto the floor, car, walls or heaven forbid, your spouse, well then, you know what to do. CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF!

These steps are not fool proof. Meaning any fool can mess these up. However, we (read: women) are no fools. So, help your husbands, and ourselves, out this Purim to keep as much of this holiday inside our stomachs instead of on the floor. 

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So Simple Salad Dressing Recipes

                 

               

I really don’t consider myself a food snob. I’m a lover of chinese food, eaten straight out of the box and a firm believer that no chocolate chip cookie recipe will ever compete with the ones that are made by just adding 3 ingredients to the mix that comes out of the red box (if you don’t know what I’m referring to, we can’t be friends). But, and this is a huge but, some foods, NEED to be homemade. On the top of that list is salad dressing. 

Home made salad dressing are a huge pet peeve of mine. They are really easy to make and taste significantly better. 

So many times, including in restaurants, the salad dressings taste so artificial and just not good. Not to mention the atrocity that is bottled salad dressing. That stuff is so gross! I recently had the pleasure (read: misfortune) to taste test a bunch of them. Let me just say that some of them were really difficult to get down and totally gag inducing.  They have a weird tangy sweetness and in my opinion, always just tastes off. 

But have no fear. A good salad dressing is actually sooooooo simple to make. They require virtually no prep time and can usually be made with regular everyday ingredients you already have in your house. 

As part of my movement to rid the world of bad salad dressings, I decided to give you all a bunch of really yummy and easy recipes. 

Before we dive into individual recipes though lets just talk salad dressing basics. There are a few fundamentals to a good dressing that really everyone should know. Once you know these principals you can pretty much stop reading this, because you will be able to make your own dressings, from scratch with out a recipe. 

But keep reading anyway because I actually spent time writing them out for you. Thanks, mwa.

Lets start with a vinaigrette. These are the lightest of all dressings. On the simplest level they’re merely any kind of acid (think lemon, lime, vinegar etc.) whisked together with oil salt and pepper. It’s usally a 2:1 ratio of oil:acid and in my opinion are the tastiest! They are flavorful but still light enough to allow you to actually taste the vegetables you are pouring them over. Plus, because the amounts of acidic fruits and vinegars out there is tremendous, the flavor combinations are endless. Which means you can basically have a different salad dressing every night and never get bored. 

Then there mayonnaise based dressings. From here you can go into directions. You can start by making your own mayo or used a store bought mayo as a base. I personally do both, depending on how much time I have. In my mind as long as the flavors are balanced both options are perfectly acceptable. Balancing flavors though is where it gets tricky.

When you make your own homemade mayo you can control the amounts of salt, sugar and lemon you use to make it, which makes it easier to balance the flavors after. Store bought mayos on the other hand come ready made, which means you have to TASTE them before you use them. Every brand tastes different. Some are sweeter, some are blander, mustard-ier (I’m copywriting that word), theres just no way to know unless you taste it! So, even though using mayo out of a jar saves time on the making-the-mayo step, you really need know how to adjust the recipe to suit which brand you are using. (*Sidenote-this is why you have to taste as you go along, even when you follow a recipe exactly because, like in this case if the recipe calls for mayo, if you don’t know what brand they used its may not taste the same). 

Once you settle on which mayo you are using you need to figure out how to flavor it. Now, in my mind the biggest offense of any salad dressing is when someone adds sugar or honey where it does not belong. Let me say this again, because this is insanely important. 

NOT ALL SALAD DRESSINGS NEED SUGAR OR HONEY.

In fact, most of them do not. Once in a while you may need a drop of honey or a pinch of sugar to balance out the tartness of a very strong vinegar that will over power your veggies however, most of the time it is completely unnecessary. It takes the beautiful, bright, fresh dressing you just made it and turns into something that tastes like it came out of a bottle. I don’t know when it became acceptable to put sugar in a caesar dressing but it needs to stop. Of the six dressing recipes I gave you only 1 contains honey and its because it needs it. Without it, the turmeric is too strong and overpowering. 

When flavoring a mayo I like to always start with my acid. From there I add in any garlic or onions and the season liberally with salt and pepper. Mayonaisse is very forgiving, so if you add too much of one thing, don’t worry about it. Just take a deep breath and figure out which ingredients you can add a little more of to balance it out. 

The last category of dressings is actually not a category at all. Its the NON-DRESSING DRESSINGS. What is that? Thats all the things that are not technically salad dressing but yet, can be used as one. Think techina, chumus, pesto etc. These are fun because they add variety to our regular arsenal of dressings.

Personally, of all of them techina is my favorite so, I’m going to include a basic recipe for that here also. But even within the techina world, you can totally individualize it. Add harissa for some middle eastern flavors, spice it up with a fire roasted jalapeño, go korean by dropping in a spoonful of gochujang, or add a handful of herbs for a green techina. 

Now that you have an understanding of what goes into, in my opinion, the two (but sort of 3 if you cont non-dressing-dressings) schools of dressings you can easily whip up a quick and easy salad to go along with your dinners.

Just incase you don’t feel like making up your own  though, I am giving you my easiest and most family friendly recipes. They are extremely versatile so feel free to play around and personalize them to your liking. 

Hope this posts makes your life a little easier and significantly more delicious! 

Peas out, 

Danielle

                      

For the printable Balsamic Vinaigrette recipe click here

For the printable Raspberry Vinaigrette recipe click here

For the printable Roasted Garlic Dressing recipe click here

For the printable Caesar Dressing click here

For the printable Turmeric and Preserved Lime Vinaigrette click here

For the printable Tehini recipe click here

For the printable Creamy Sesame Dressing/Dip recipe click here

For the printable Carrot Ginger Dressing click here

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PSA: Where to buy prepared food in Jerusalem

Gourmet Glatt.

Ha, just kidding. Nothing is that simple in this country!

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In the past there have been a few places in Geula, Ezras Torah, Bais Yisroel and Rechavia that have sold mass-produced prepared shabbos food, if you can call it food. There have even been a few makolets and other places that have attempted to make fresh shnitsel and roasted chicken that were actually delicious until they were shut down for illegal production. So, over the last few years, lots of talented, young married girls started creating menus or cooking specialty items and selling them to tourists that come in for the holidays or vacations. Truthfully, if you’re organized enough to know how much food you need, and what you are going to want to order, this is really your best bet. Even though most of the food will be made in advance and therefore frozen, it is usually the most delicious choice. These girls care about the product they are giving you and will provide you with real home cooking. However, there was no place, that was both CLEAN and had a good hechsher, where you could buy everything you needed, last minute, for  shabbos, and know that you were buying food that people would actually be happy to eat. 

Until now.

Meet “Shabbos Bistro”.

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Continue reading “PSA: Where to buy prepared food in Jerusalem”

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PSA: Make it your own!

This is not going to be a regular post about my life with a  yummy recipe thrown in. This is about something that I think everyone needs to know.

RECIPES COME OUT BETTER WHEN YOU DON’T FOLLOW THEM!

What? That’s crazy!

No, it’s really not, and I’ll tell you why.

When I make up a recipe, it is made to please my family, friends, or whoever I am feeding. That means that the ingredients and amounts I use are reflective of their likes and dislikes.

It means that if I am making a salad that I want to eat, it won’t have tomatoes in it. If I’m making a stir-fry for my father it won’t have peppers in it, and, if I’m making a lemon cake for someone that doesn’t like lemons, I’ll use orange juice instead.

So, what does that mean for you?

Basically, it means, if there is something you see in one of my recipes, or any recipe for that matter, that you don’t like, just leave it out or swap it for something you like better.

You can even take things a step further by taking a recipe and instead of looking at it as exact instructions, using it as a jumping off point. Get inspired by the ingredients, flavors and techniques in the recipe. Then add in ingredients you like, or think would work well to enhance the final product.

Whatever happens, don’t be afraid experiment. Worst case, you learned what not to do next time. Best case, you made awesome food that hopefully made you and the people around you happy!

Bottom line, MAKE IT YOUR OWN and peas out!

 

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