DRINK LIKE A MAN OR CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF -the unedited version

DRINK LIKE A MAN, OR CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF

A HELPFUL GUIDE TO KEEPING ALL THE WINE INSIDE YOUR STOMACH THIS PURIM

 

By: Danielle Renov

@peaslovencarrots

originally posted by kosher.com

Before you have children people will tell you that dealing with the not- pretty, little- spoken about parts of parenting, like changing diapers and cleaning up after a child with a stomach virus, are “really not so bad”. “It’s much easier when it’s your own child” they tell you. “Don’t worry, you won’t get grossed out, I promise, you get used to it.” 

Then, you have children and you very quickly learn that everyone you have ever spoken to on this topic is a complete liar! Because, yes, changing diapers really isn’t that bad, but there’s so much more to it than that.

What they don’t tell you, is that if you have boys, the boys will specifically wait until their diaper is off so that they can give you a free urine shower. Or, they will leave out how terribly unpleasant it is to change a baby whose dirty diaper leaked through multiple layers of clothes and onto you. But really, all that pales in comparison to a child who threw up. If you can manage not to vomit yourself while cleaning up regurgitated chunks of food from the floor, your lap, the child’s clothing and hair, then that’s a win. A huge win. Because, throw-up is NEVER not disgusting. And the only thing worse than cleaning up your child’s vomit, is cleaning up your husbands. 

So, now that we’ve established how utterly shnasty it is to deal with a too-drunk, vomiting husband, let’s talk about what we can do to prevent that from happening.

The best way to go about this is to first recognize that Purim is a full- day event. Starting in the morning, with megilla reading and for some a morning seudah and ending with a lavish, food- laden, wine- drenched meal, sprinkled with yummy visits to and from family. Which means, it is very, very hard to keep track of how much alcohol has actually been consumed and how our bodies are reacting to it. 

Since throw up is a curse onto mothers, I think it is only fair that if a grown man drinks too much to the point where he is vomiting all over the place, it is his own responsibility to clean it up.

 If I did not give birth to you, I do not have to clean your puke. 

However, because men are well, men, I feel it is only fair to warn them of this protocol before the holiday begins. So, ladies, give your better halves (hahahaha, just kidding) fair warning, then print out this article for your husbands to read and have a much more enjoyable holiday without the impending dread of cleaning up your husbands vomit looming above you!

I’ve created a list of 10, mostly chronological, important tips to carry with you throughout the day so that you can drink at each milestone, maintaining a nice Purim buzz, but never getting too drunk that you throw up all over your car, couch or spouse.

1. ADVIL and WATER 

Alcohol causes dehydration. So, start your day off by properly hydrating your body so that you can be ahead of any water depletion the alcohol causes in your body. Maintaining a good water- to- alcohol ratio is key to keeping the alcohol in your stomach. 

Advil. Just to be safe.

2. FOOD

It is a common myth that eating after you drink can help sober-ize a person. Really though, eating before you drink is the most helpful. Although food will not help with reducing drunkenness, it will slow down the speed at which the alcohol gets absorbed into the bloodstream as it’s also busy absorbing the food. 

3. THE RIGHT FOOD

We’ve all heard about people who say they have weak stomachs. Well it’s true. Some of us are stronger than others. Eating dairy foods early in the day, or drinking a glass of milk will help neutralize the stomach acids that we want to keep inside the body later that day!

4. DRINK ON THE HOUR

It takes our livers around 1 hour to actually process any alcohol we put into our bodies. So, instead of gulping down your whole days worth of wine within one hour and feeling ill the rest of the day, try drinking one glass at a time, every hour, on the hour! This will seriously help you to understand where your body is at, drinking- wise, and will prevent you from drinking too much before you even know what’s hit you!

5. MORE WATER

Again, alcohol = dehydration. For every cup of wine you pour yourself, drink at least one glass of water to maintain proper hydration.

6. NO MIXING ALCOHOL WITH ENERGY DRINKS

I know, it sounds like that would be a really good idea. But its not. Alcohol is a depressant and energy drinks are stimulants. When you mix the two, it masks the properties of each and you are left unaware of how you are actually feeling. So, you drink more, because you feel fine and then BOOM. Barf everywhere. 

7. USE YOUR BRAIN

Yes, this is a hard one for some people. And by people I mean boys. The big ones, who live in our homes and need constant reminders to take out the full garbage bag that has been sitting by the front door for 2 days. It seems crazy but it’s true. Alcohol does not erase your brain from your head. It may be fogged over by a cloud of inebriation, but if you dig deep enough, you will find it. And this, oh- so- powerful piece of machinery, if used right, can tell you when to STOP DRINKING. 

8. DO NOT BINGE EAT 

Alcohol lowers our inhibitions. All of them. Including eating. Therefore, pizza. Or chicken wings. Or pizza then wings. 

This, however is a bad idea. At the time, it feels brilliant. You’re drunk, hungry and need something salty. But, it is exactly at this point in time that our bodies need a break. Try some plain crusty bread instead.

9. ADVIL. AGAIN. 

Because, tomorrow will come. With it, work, kids, life and a massive headache. Take two Advil before you go to sleep and then wake up in the morning and drink the strongest cup of coffee you can find!

10. BE A MAN

If all else fails, and the entire contents of your Purim festivities spills out onto the floor, car, walls or heaven forbid, your spouse, well then, you know what to do. CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF!

These steps are not fool proof. Meaning any fool can mess these up. However, we (read: women) are no fools. So, help your husbands, and ourselves, out this Purim to keep as much of this holiday inside our stomachs instead of on the floor. 

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Mulled Wine

Holidazzzzzzzze.

Drink enough of this and that is what will happen. 

An overwhelming feeling of deep relaxation will wash over you and any awkward, inappropriate or just really annoying things that family members may say to you at your annual party will simply slide right off your back.

Some call this alcoholism. I call it smart planning. 

Any time a bunch of people that love you and think they know what’s best for you gather in a room together, where you happen to also be, they feel like it’s their job to help you “fix” your life. This, of course, never occurs with my own family, since mine is a very quiet and reserved bunch. But, I know that this is a common problem and, anyone that knows my family, knows what a huge lie that is. There is no shortage of “I-could-do-a-better-job-at-your-life-than-you-do” personalities in my family. So, I get it.

The truth is that only people that really care about you and actually want you to succeed in life act like this. They are also the same people that forgive your bad jokes, tell you when you have food in your teeth and run over to watch your kids when you are sick. It’s with these people in our lives that a simple game of taboo can turn into a gut-wrenching, hours-long, laughter-fest that we can hopefully spend our holidays with. 

During these mostly nice and beautiful, but sometimes overwhelming parties, it’s always nice to have something warm on the stove to keep everyone satiated. It doesn’t hurt when that something makes your whole house smell like winter spices and contains some alcohol.

So, this holiday season keep everyone happy and make a huge pot of mulled wine. 

Peas, Love & Happy Holidays,

Danielle

For the printable Mulled Wine recipe, click here

 

 

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Serrano Papaya Margarita

IMG_5004I love Tequila. I also love limes. The only way I love them more is when you combine the two and make margaritas. Let me be clear here-I LOVE MARGARITAS. Usually I’m a purist when it comes to margaritas. I like to stick to the regular tequila-triple sec- lime-agave combo but, once in a while it’s fun to switch things up.
IMG_4973

The biggest issue I have when it comes to revised margaritas is that they are waaaaay to sweet. They usually end up tasting like a mated popsicle with tequila dumped in. SO, how do I solve that problem?

IMG_4975

I do it by balancing out the added sweetness of the fruit, with different types of spices. This time I went with serrano peppers. I usually try to pair the level heat appropriately with the level of sweetness in the fruit I’m going to use. Since I normally like to eat papaya with with lime juice anyway, I knew I was going to be upping the acidity with the extra lime, so I went with a milder chile here.

IMG_4984 If you like things to be a little spicier (and in my opinion, way better) use two whole serrano chile. If you are a little more timid when it comes to heat, remove the ribs and seeds of the peppers before adding to the agave.

IMG_4983

However you decide to make your margaritas, I hope you they bring you as much happiness as they bring me! 

Enjoy & Peas out!

To see printable recipe click here 

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail